I have just enough time to get packed up and ready for a week in (*privacy*) for Training (again!) and thankfully there is not enough time to think about the fact I am going with M, will be alone in the car with him for 2 hours, sharing a motel with him (not the room thankfully, just the building) and I try not to picture what he will look like causal and relaxed.
I dare not think what Boss B must have been thinking to send the two of us....seeing I already mentioned to him in a past meeting how I really wasn't comfortable working under those particular conditions with M any longer and could I get a new partner for the Training Missions, and now this. Oy.
The Husband is on his way home, kiddie arrangements taken care of, thongs packed, manuals, check check check. Pace pace pace.
My body still smells of raunchy fulfilling sex. My pussy aches. My breasts tender from lack of attention. Lips bruised. Skin glowing. Hair messed, this one is OK though, it usually looks like this anyhow.
I look like I've just been fucked. I smell like it was with a football team. Enough time for a shower? No, there is his car now, and why is my heart skipping a beat?
The man broke it, has no more claim over it, I am so past him, I am NOT attracted to him any more. So stop thumping like that. Oh shit, and now my mouth has gone dry. The same mouth that was drowning in cum only one hour ago.
He knocks at the door and I am surprised, he seems more the type to honk loud and obnoxiously from the safety of the car.
His eyes don't meet mine as he asks if I need help with any bags. I say no, but do I possibly have time to take a quick shower? 5 minutes tops, promise.
Now he looks up at me. Then down, back up, pauses at my tits, I realize I am not wearing the bra, in fact it is shoved in the back pocket of my jeans, and my nipples are still hard from Mr. Man. He smiles. Takes in my puffed lips, just-fucked-hair, back to my eyes which are now twinkling with 'Ha, another man has replaced your egotistical ass'.
"Goddamnit woman, you smell like a whore coming off a 48 hour shift. Go shower, I'll wait here."
"Well thank you M, I'll be nice and let you sit in the living room, you can even watch TV. See how nice I am?"
"Go shower before I..."
"Before you what M?"
But he says no more. Heart still pounding, I mean, he's in my house for fucks sake, I race upstairs to take a fast shower. I'm going to wash that cum right out of my hair, la la la. And I'm dressed and shoed in ten minutes. Hair still wet of course, face naked, but he's seen me like this before....before and after having sex. Good sex. Passionate sex. Ok, stop Kat or you'll drive yourself crazy. You are OVER this man. Period.
Car ride. I can't stop bouncing in my seat. Hands are all over the place, on the heater, car radio, in my hair, under my thighs, playing with the seatbelt until
"For fucks sake, sit still you're driving me crazy with all that fidgeting. Relax already."
"I can't M, this is way too awkward. I mean, look at us. This is ridiculous. Why the two of us? Why not me and H? She knows how to do these stupid Missions, why did he pick YOU of all people?"
"Katrinha. H is in school, as you know, and there is no one else trained to do what we're doing. It's you and me, now relax. You think I wanted this? If I said no, B told me no Program. This is my only chance to "redeem" myself", so please, let's just get through this so we can get back to normal."
"Normal? As in you ignoring me? Denying my existence? Treating me like shit? That normal? Or normal as in you following me everywhere? 'Helping' me with everything? Talking to me, giving me your undivided attention, teasing me, flirting with me, taunting me, kissing me? Which normal are we talking here M, so I know how to behave appropriately."
"Fuck."
He's pissed. Good. He needed to hear that. No more ignoring me now, what with the car hurtling down the highway at 135 (yikes) and nothing else to distract his attention, except not killing us of course. Silence ensues for a few more kilometers. Then the unexpected.
"Kat, remember when we were....when you were....shit. Remember when we were making love and looking deep into one anothers eyes?"
softly "Yeah."
"Did you feel it?"
He's not looking at me, instead opting to look intently at the road. Is he afraid of my answer? If I'll even remember? How could I not remember that moment? It was the moment I knew he was the one and I was willing to risk everything to hold onto him.
"The connection you mean?" He nods. "Yes M, I felt that. That's why it hurt so bad when you forgot I was alive. Every time you would walk past me without acknowledging me, it broke my heart a bit more, but then I'd remember the way you had looked at me while we were loving one another and it would break even more."
He is silent again. He looks as if he is puzzling out what I said. He looks sad. He looks torn. But mostly sad.
"Kat....
"Kat at that moment I wanted to hold you forever. I knew you were the woman for me. No other woman has been my sexual match and I never thought I'd find one that could keep up with me. Then you came into my life. Your eyes, your body oozing sex, your crazy way of thinking, your mouth, your hands, your pussy. You are perfect. For me.
"And there I was in my house, on my floor, making love to the woman of my dreams, trying not to look at (wifes') paintings, at the baby stuff everywhere, trying to forget we both have commitments, trying to tell myself it was possible to have you and them.
"But I knew then I was lying to myself. The depth of my feelings scared me. Don't you understand that? I was scared. I still am. You haven't changed. I haven't changed. But...but...
"But I can't do both. I am not like you. There is no middle ground for me. It's one or the other Kat and (baby) is too young, I love her too much, I can't leave her.
"And I am in love with you."
Phew. All that. Here I was two months of trying to get over him, trying to at least hate him a little, trying so hard to forget what he did to my brain, my body, my heart. And he says he loves me. Words I had wanted to hear for over a year. But as he says it, he takes it away with his 'commitments'. Oh God. This sucks. I need time to mull, to absorb, to sink into his words and make them mine. This is too much right here, right now. Not to mention my ravished pussy. My thighs still sore from being spread so wide, my body still weak from such a powerful orgasm. Shit. He is the one I want. I'd get a divorce in a second for this man that was never my type, that finished my thoughts, that knew me inside and out without me telling him anything. Everything about him was NOT what I looked for in a man, but he was so right for me. But my Officer, Mr. Man, my fantasy....
"Kat? Are you OK? Don't you have anything to say? Please say something. I just pored my heart out here. Even if it's Fuck You, please say something. You're never this quiet. Come on, say something, anything for fucks sake. Talk to me please!"
"M..
"M, I never stopped loving you. Even when you were treating me so poorly, I never stopped loving you. When I told myself as a mantra I was over you, I never stopped loving you. Kick boxing, yoga, sex with another man, and still, I couldn't stop loving you. I will always love you. The enigma that is you, the way you continue to fascinate me, the man you are, the man I imagined you to be, the way you kiss, fondle, fuck. All these things, I adore and cherish about you.
"I will always love you. I just do not like you very much right now. You took away my self respect, my dignity, my self worth. You lied to me. You stole from me. You hurt me."
"Ok, I can accept that. I am sorry, I hope you believe me. Again, I am not like you Kat, I am not open and honest and metaphysical the way you are. I can't see all the way around and through things like you can. I don't see with your clarity. All I know is I love (wife) and (baby) and you. I am hurt too, but because I cannot have you all. Or all of you. I wish we didn't have these fucked up lives first, then each other. You should've come first.
"I am sorry Katrinha. Can you ever forgive me for the way I treated you?"
"No."
"Oh. Well then. Ummm...."
"M..just kidding. I just finished telling you I couldn't stop myself from loving you. I have written pages and pages about you, trying to purge you from my system, and yet you were still there when I woke up, when I went to bed, to work, taking a bath, playing with the kidlets. You are always there M."
How good it felt to say these things to him finally. I have fancied ripping him a new one, being a bitch, being cold, ignoring, confronting, being sweet and nice even. But not this. Not ever did I imagine I hear him tell me he loved me. Never did I imagine he would say he wanted me to be his. Did Mr. Man being written all over me have anything to do with this? Perhaps. But who cares! Right here right now I am sitting beside the man I am hopelessly in love with. And I am scared shitless. Never has any man been allowed to treat me like this and still own my heart. I am NOT that type of woman that clings, hope to 'change' her man, wishes for his love. Nope not me, not until Him that is. I am weakened by him and the way he makes me tremble from my toes to my soul. He is the only one capable of ever owning me. Controlling me. Loving me for me. He always understood me, my humour, my thoughts, my sarcasm. His fervor so like my own, his zest equal to mine, his intelligence; a match. We are two people apart from the rest of the masses that is true. It is what I know.
We chatted idly for the remainder of the trip. Discussed mundane work things, family stuff, us, them, everyone, everything. It was good just to talk to him again. Being with him, it was enough.
But not the end of the story.
Until tomorrow then.
